Note from the writer:
Apologies to any readers who followed my profile because they enjoyed my haikus or philosophical musings. I recently graduated from university and have been building a small business, so I’ve been working a lot, and it has been hard to find the time to write. I’ve decided to start using this Medium account to post personal blogs each Sunday, to afford myself some much needed catharsis and allow family and friends to check in when I’ve gone ghosty. You are welcome to read my personal musings, or unfollow if they aren’t what you wanted to see in your feed! Thank you much for reading my work in the first place. All the best.💕
Sunday Blog, August 13th, 2023
Thinking Myself Into Stone
Song Inspiration:
I don’t believe that Le Penseur (the Thinking Man statue) was actually made by Auguste Rodin, or anyone else, for that matter. My conspiracy theory is that a real person actually sat down one day and thought very hard, for a very long time, about all of the endless complexities of the human existence and life itself, until they simply turned to stone (or bronze, or whatever).
Today I feel pretty stoney (bronzey?) myself... I spent all of last night and this morning creating a comprehensive project outline for the next two years, with meeting calendars, work schedules, competitor and trend analyses, brand positioning brainstorms, product development and releases, budget breakdowns and financial timelines (and more and more and more and more).
I haven’t been posting much about Velvet Moon to Facebook or Instagram, because I’ve been wholly devoting my focus to establishing a program that funds, trains, and collaborates with artists to create their own product lines and brands. It’s been back breaking, heart healing, tireless, and inspiring work. There is so much thinking involved…
I’ve written over 400 pages of documentation over the last few weeks, and 100 of them last night alone. The next 12 months are cleanly outlined, and the following 12 months are roughly outlined. And I think I *just* managed to structure things in a way that allows me enough time and mental space to give grad school a sincere go.
After finishing all of this up, I slept so peacefully today... and woke up this afternoon with a single thought, as clear as a bell:
"It’s time to have a baby."
Followed, naturally, by another clear thought:
“What the actual f*ck?”
Where do these thoughts come from? How do we know when to give them ground? I poured all of my brain into setting up a two year project, and yet the most effortless thought that emerged afterward was that I should create a whole new life that would take full priority over everything else.
I wouldn’t say that someone can’t be a mom, own a business, nurture their marriage and family, and also finish grad school at the same time... But I definitely don’t think that I’m personally cut out for it.
When Alex, my son, was younger, I tried to go to school. I could barely pick off one community college course at a time, often spaced out by years at a time. Only when he was fourteen, mostly self-sufficient, and spending half of his time at his dad’s, could I really give university a shot. I graduated with my bachelor’s degree at thirty-one years old, with honors, but not without a whole mountain of stess…
I am a mom, college graduate, wife, and business owner, sure. But sincerely — no false modesty — I only sometimes don’t kind of suck at any one of those things. I do so many things, simply because want too many things — more than I can probably handle.
I instinctively look for complexity in simplicity (the opposite of geniuses do, apparently). I can’t cook. I’m actually not allowed to anymore, by popular vote of both Alex and Berajah. And just last night, Berajah showed me our pivot tables to highlight what percent our annual income goes to my Webfic novels (Sebastian and Sabrina though!💕 "Punished by His Love" is so addicting).
My ambitions don’t match my talents or discipline, and a person can only get away with burning their physical health for mental or financial gains for long... I’ve long been running out of health to burn. In fact, I’d really need to start rebuilding my body to have a baby.
Plus, what would a baby B-V genetic hybrid even eat? Berajah would want them to be vegetarian, while I’d want them to grow up eating the foods that Asian mother made for me (so, lots of fish). Berajah’s cooking talents begin at peanut butter pickle sandwiches and end at tofu burritos. I can only make breakfast and baked goods...
How would a baby B-V genetic hybrid grow up? Berajah may seem like a relaxed hippy who disdains all artificial societal constructs, but he actually has a secret teaching degree and transforms into some weird nobleman-meets-homemaker when we talk about our future children’s education. He would want to homeschool them in a very helicopter hands-on style.
I’d be too indecisive to offer quick enough input. One part of me would want to tiger mom the f*ck out of things, enrolling them in top notch private schools, dance classes, music classes, etc. Another part of me would want to seek out cutting edge experiential education. Another part would want to wildly unschool them and let them just blossom into who they naturally are. And then, of course, all parts have opposite parts that constantly outline all associated risks on a mental Excel spreadsheet.
How would a baby B-V genetic hybrid navigate difficulties and traumas in life? Berajah had a much harder upbringing than I did. He really knows how to "rough it" and can MacGyver anything out of mundane items or even garbage. I just buy things without thinking, regret it, tell myself won’t again, forget it, and repeat. Berajah takes every moment of suffering face on, and says "it builds character!" I agree, but think that too much suffering-induced character building can easily write a villain arch.
Berajah is very private and withholding about any spiritual beliefs... I’m obsessed with Methodological Ludism and would want to provide my baby with some kind of spiritual compass to navigate the shared unseen world.
How would a baby B-V genetic hybrid think about love? Heartbreak? Taxes? Themselves? Berajah and I are not a very romantic couple... In fact, to the extent that it might be difficult to even conceive a baby at all. Our marriage is much more rooted in friendship... But we are indeed genuinely best friends, which has sustained us through the most difficult times. So, I feel definitely good about that.
But we both hate doing taxes, and we both don’t talk about our feelings very easily, unless they’re good. We both suck at social cues. We both have ASD. We were both lucky enough to find a partner who excels in the parts of life that we are not as functional at, but what if our baby inherits our neurological struggles? What if they don’t find a best friend or partner who compliments them?
I would need to stop vaping and fasting... And start sleeping and stretching. Would Berajah ever be able to become a professor?
Do I sign the outline I spent the night writing? If so, do I wait until my plate is clear to have a baby?
Will I regret waiting? Will I regret not waiting? Will I wait too long?
It’s been a long time since I’ve really thought about the life that I’d like to have. I have had too many too big, too painful, too irreconcilable desires that simply did not fit into the life that I’ve created for myself. I actually started building my business to distract myself from things that I wanted but could not have, and things that I could not escape. But, over time, I really started to find beauty in the work.
Still, when I step back and look at things with detachment, I can’t help but wonder if I’m living honestly. Maybe having a baby is the first thing in a long time that I have honestly wanted and can actually have… Or maybe I just want to have a baby for the same reasons that I wanted to build my business. Either possibility feels pretty selfish, but the first might be a healthier selfishness.
The problem is, though, I honestly don’t know which possibility is reality. I’ve been so distanced from desire itself, that it’s truly hard to know what I really want out of life.
While I may not know what life I want to live, when I picture the life I’d want to give my baby, it’s easier to see the life that I’d need to live. And it’s healthy and good.
If I had a baby, I know that I’d want them to be happy. I’d want them to grow up to be strong but kind, secure but motivated, and capable but fulfilled. I’d want them to be just humble enough to see beauty in hidden things, and confident enough to see beauty in themselves always. I’d want to instill in them an unshakeable sense of self-love, planted in their very conception, that grows with their very bones, and carries them satisfyingly into a very old age.
I would want them to have healthy desires, and the belief that they can achieve anything, pivot at any time, and always choose right over wrong. I’d want to give them a compass and a lantern, to help them find hope in even the darkest nights of the soul, and share hope with those who are hurting.
I would want to teach them to brush their teeth, comb their hair, and make their beds, because their teeth are precious, their hair is a veil, and their bed is a sanctuary. I would want to teach them how to sleep restfully at night, and begin their days with intention and gratitude.
I would want to teach them any language that they wanted to learn, and to never be too shy to speak in earnest. I would want to teach them compassion, and how to forgive themselves and others, and healthy boundaries so that they won’t have to too often.
I would want to teach them how to file taxes, forage for berries, make mooncakes, and study religions. I would want to teach them how to study with two hands and many pens…
And I would not want to miss a single second of their joys, heart breaks, successes, failures, past-times, or endeavors. I would want to support them and lead them. I would want to teach them how to walk without falling, to stand when they fall, and how to fall to their knees during precious moments that warrant it.
I would want to teach them how to win magnanimously and surrender gracefully, to give wholeheartedly, and to receive sincerely.
I don’t actually know how to do a lot of that... I just know that parents want to give their children what they did not have. So much so, that some parents work hard to have the things that they want to give. I know that I would work hard, too. But I don’t know if I would succeed, and I don’t know what harm that kind of failure would bring.
I have been proving to myself that I can build a business with many moving parts, programs, and processes. But I think that raising a baby would be much harder than any two year project or three to five year graduate degree… It really arrests me to think about it all.
I know that having a baby is one of the most natural desires and processes we can experience as human beings… But I also know that having a baby isn’t something anyone should decide to do thoughtlessly...
I think this is the kind of thing that I can overthink until I turn into stone.
